I have no idea how it took me so long to notice the world's most obscene, over-the-top, trashy homosexual redneck cartoon pony -
Sparkle Hooves. Crudely animated, the hilarious Sparkle Hooves video series tackles subjects ranging everywhere from
Top 10 Dumpsters To Get A BJ Behind in Atlanta to renting (but not owning) a house haunted by a dead drag queen who was murdered for being bad at lip syncing. Every Thursday at midnight, Sparkle Hooves hears Whitney Houston's "I'm Every Woman" playing from the great beyond and is forced to hire a psychic to chase the evil spirit out. Perhaps the funniest of all is Sparkle Hooves at last years Dragon Con getting his nerd on. It is a must watch.
Very little is known about the origins of Sparkle Hooves. But, here are a few things we were able to get out of his publicist:
Sparkle Hooves was born in Atlanta, GA.
Age: "A lady never talks about her age".
He loves buffalo wings and getting turnt up.
BJ's are his favorite to give and receive.
He is vers and loves Grindr, but hates limp dicks.
His favorite bar is Marys in East Atlanta.
His mother is Debbie Hooves.
Thankfully, we were able to get a few minutes alone with Sparkle Hooves in a truck stop bathroom off I-85 by tapping our foot three times under the stall. Though disappointed we weren't there for sex, he consented to answering some of our burning questions!
Sparkle Hooves at Dragon Con!
Q: Sparkle Hooves, could you please define the term "Hunty?" It has me totally confused.
Sparkle: OH NO HUNTY!!!! Shit, it's like saying "Gurllll" "Bitch" and "Honey" but in a sexy way. See also Baeshe.
Q: You once famously said "the only thing better than a chicken wing is a big ol' ding a ling." Just how big are we talking?
Sparkle: Shitttttt Gurllllll, this little pony can take a lot. If it don't fit in the rear, put it in my mouth my dear. A nice dick can always fit into this world somewhere.
Q: Do you miss your days in the pasture with Sarah Jessica Parker?
Sparkle: Oh nooooo and too true, she is one beat up donkey that needs to be left in the fields to feed alone. Sorry Sarah you are a goddamn messssss.
Q: How do you feel about Justin' Bieber's crotch and chest being enhanced in the recent Calvin Klein underwear ad?
Sparkle: Shit Justin is bitch, but he's a hot bitch and I'm always interested in hot bitches. A pickle is a pickle, honey. I just want to see the real deal, take it out! Big or small it's worth a lick. How many licks does it take to get to the center of that dick? I hope a lot. Also can I buy the underwear that he wore in it? Then I'm interested.
Q: As a horse, do you feel you have an unfair advantage when hanging out at Swinging Richards strip club?
Sparkle: Hehehe well you knowwwwwwww. The good thing about dicks is that come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. As long as they hard then who cares. As long as you don't come at me limp as a chimp, then we are okay! Cause I will hoof you in the nutz.
Q: So, a weird thing happened. I am being haunted by the ghost of Pete Burns from Dead or Alive's botched plastic surgery. Could you please give me the number to your psychic Miss Aquaphina?
Sparkle: Listen Peter Burns is a goddamn frightmare! You may not survive this, but my friend Miss Aquaphina can shut down any queeny ass ghosts.
Q: Could you tell us about your first sexual experience?
Sparkle: I was upstairs in a huge barn with hay everywhere. I was with my foster cousin, Charlie Horse, and he was older. We were playing hide-and-seek and he said let's go down on each other and before he was done with that sentence I was already down on him. Don't judge, Judy! He was a foster cousin! We weren't related! Shit if we were then I could have gotten it all the time. HEHEHE Also I could have sworn I heard Prince's "Raspberry Beret" playing in the background as I went down.
Q: How has being an internet celebrity changed your life?
Sparkle: Shit gurlllll, Sometimes it gets me laid, but sometimes the ex's and hook ups coming out of the fuckin wood works. Tragic! It's like kicking a log and spiders coming pouring out! Hook ups are meant to be in the past bitch!
Q: When are you going to do your 10 Favorite Glory Holes in the Metro Atlanta Area?
Sparkle: Oh My Fuckin GAWD! Shit there are some great ones in Atlanta! Hell the best one is at this little ponies crib. Come over and tap on the hole, then stick it in. I might take a selfie with it. #Sparkleshole
Q: Would you rather fight one horse sized duck or ten duck sized horses?
Sparkle: I'd rather fuck one horse sized dick, and blow ten dick sized horses.
My House Is Haunted Bitch!
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Love, Sparkle Hooves. Bitch!
